Letting my past go

 Lately, I am going through a hard time with my family and friends back in Izmir. Emotional disconnection between us and my guilt seems to make things worse. For the first time, l decided to go out of my shell and ask a friend for help. As I explained her how hurt and frustrated l was with my past and everything l have left in Izmir,  hearing it at loud helped very much. I am very resentful the way my mother have become. Her refusal to accept the fact that  I have left home, and moved on with my life is becoming worse everyday. She has given up everything. Her intellectual life, her relationship with friends, her wants and desires as a woman. She looks like a dried flower once used to be alive. Not only l am more and more concerned of her well being and happiness, she also puts this huge guilt of leaving her in my shoulders. She refuses the accept the reality that l have a new life. I told my friend how unhappy and anxious she was while she thought she could use her only power to control my finances in order to stay close to me. Unfortunately, money is the only subject we can talk about. This hurts me very much, as l continue to grow in my new life and take important steps to be an adult. This is the time l need her the most. As l explained my frustration to my friend, l was very curious to get her point of view as an American. She said that this was their choice to send me over here to support me to follow my dream and desire to be happy. She said l have nothing to be guilty of. l should let this guilt go off my shoulders. l found this suggestion very helpful. This guilt I am carrying is very heavy and prevents me from who l want to be.  She was right that I should let go past, and look forward to future with my greatest hope. Everyone deserves to pursue their own dreams and desires, and more importantly to be happy. This is fundamental principle America was built on. It is also the greatest reason why I love this country, and why l am so proud to be a living example of the American Dream.

 Thank you Angela... Thank you my friends and extended family who helped to become who l am. Thank you for your optimism, hope, and support. Your love and kindness means a lot to me..

What l enjoy the most in America, is the fresh perspective and unfailing trust that one can accomplish anything through the freedoms, choices, and opportunities we have in this land.  

Let me be free

 2009... A new year with new beginnings.. Fresh starts always help me put things in a clear perspective. I unconsciously ask myself  am l making progress toward who I want to be without any judgements and pressures from other people. Can I set myself free without worrying about  their thoughts? Or this illusion only exists in my mind as long as I think there is. There is one thing I know for sure, your worries won't leave you, even if you go as far as you can. There is no need to be scared of being who you are. I was scared of that for a long time. And now l learn it is okay to think and believe what l choose without any judgements or social pressures of my place of birth. Sometimes, l still feel guilty of my new way of life, and how dramatic changes  I made in my life, and my faith. How brave and eager l was to make those changes? How persistent l was to get on that plane and smile myself saying l am going to have a good future in America? A friend of me once said that l was very courageous to take those necessary actions to come and stay in America. When I was talking to another friend today, she said l was very brave to continue to stay against all hardships l face. She said" l would have returned long time ago." I laughed and said l can't imagine a life without challenges, this is what makes life so precious. That after all suffering we reach the sense of triumph, a feeling of true happiness knowing the barriers we overcame, remembering the painful, desperate moments we thought it wasn't gonna end someday. In that moment we feel, we can overcome anything that is thrown to us by taking the responsibility. All these sacrifices lead us to success, but it is impossible to reach success without patience. We should keep going, keep looking, keep doing the right thing without fearing of becoming who we really are. Discouragement? Yes we will have many... But we never know until we try...