Love one another as l have loved you

After struggling with an emotional week, l had an interesting afternoon which lead me to think about the greatest commandment. As l was driving in town, l past the store l used to work. l quickly noticed my old manager watering the flowers. l had heard that she had a breast surgery a week ago. This was her second surgery and they were suspecting that the cancer had jumped to her limph notes. l passed the store thinking all of these things, and my bitterness towards her. She and I had never had a good relationship, from first day we irritated each other, and we got into conflicts that damaged our relationship. They way l was treated did really bothered me. They just stopped calling me and finding excuses to not schedule me for work. One day l found out that they hired somebody else, and didn't have the enough courtesy to tell me. l was hurt. The way l was disposed made me really bitter. Since that day, l had not seen her. l had two choice l could either continue driving home and forget about her, or l can turn back and visit with her. All l wanted was go ignore the fact that l saw her. But something told me to stop and turn back. l listened to that voice, and pulled up in the parking lot. l smiled

Love: Does it exist or is it an illusion?

Lately, l have been thinking about love. My love life is about to diminish, and my boyfriend is selfish enough to see spending time with me as a sacrifice he has to give. Why is it so hard to have a relationship and have a job at the same time? If I can be a full time student, work a part time job, be active in my church, have a social life, and be in a relationship, why does he see this as a burden? Human nature is very selfish. l act selfish in many ways, but l recognize my selfishness and work on it as l try to put other's needs before my own. l ask God's help daily to achieve this. l have my good days and bad days just like everybody has. But the point is l continually try to work on this, and be a better person and never give up. l try not to let my shortcomings and frustration of not getting what l want at all times stop me from growing me to be the person God wants me to be. Couple hours ago, my sister and I went to see New Moon which is the second movie of Twilight Series. After my frustrations with Nate and my decision of ending this relationship, l watched this movie with a different perspective second time around. Twilight is a book series which tells an extraordinary love story between a human and a vampire. Edward (the vampire) crave Bella's (the human) with an immense intensity, but his feelings toward her control his desires, and he falls madly in love with her. On the other hand, Bella's is scared out of her mind, but her extreme attraction for Edward, modifies her reaction, and makes her want him even more. They both can't live without each other. This is the kind of love, that is agonizing, intense, world-changing. The fact that A human can desire another being like that is extraordinary. Do this kind of love really exist? l am afraid to admit l don't believe that it exists in this world. Kristen and Angie think that l am kind of cynical. What got me to this point? Is it Angie's marriage which is falling apart while l thought she and Champ were the example of true love? While everybody thought they were the perfect couple, and leading a happy marriage, how did he have such personality change in last six months, and destroy their marriage and family together with feeling that he had morning which told that he didn't want to be married anymore? How can one human so selfish to dismiss his wife, and makes her leave her home, cancels all of their health insurance, and all of her access to their joint bank accounts, and leaves her without a penny and no education? (He promised her to support her with her education while she worked to get him through college) Does self-giving, true, and unconditional love behave this way? No, absolutley not. All I can say is he never truely loved her. His needs and wants always came first. Even first children's needs come after his own. Then, there is Nate. His idea of being with somebody means that his work comes first and his girl friend. Nobody wants him make a choice. Healthy and strong individuals can do both without hesitation. He doesn't realize the way it makes me feel. His work and his dog are important to him. Why l here that so much? He is so cushioned in his comfortable life that he won't make sacrifices for anybody. He is willing to negotiate though. Since when, love is a business contract? Love gives without expecting anything in return. Love is patient, love is kind. Love is not self seeking. While l was watching the movie, l witnessed a love exactly like that. Their willingness to lose their lives for each other, and trying to make it work without a moment of exhaustion but continual stubborness fascinated me. l told Angie in our way back home, l was wondering l was capable of feeling that way toward another human being that is as intense as what we saw. She said, "Just because you haven't experienced something, doesn't mean you are incapable of it, or you won't." That was comforting. Megan and I had a conversation about this yesterday as well. She said that there is only one person in this world that is completely have the power and ability to love and satisfy me in the way I ache and desire, that is GOD. He is only one that won't fail me nor neglect me in the moment of need. He is always there when l want to talk to him, so willing to listen, support, strengthen, and comfort. She said, first I need to put God first in my life, knowing that he is able to make me feel his unconditional love, then l can be completely free to love another person as a reflection of this love. l am very blessed to have Megan in my life to remind me this truth. First, I need to have a vertical bond with God, as l make horizontional relatinships with people. But my bond with God will always guide and protect me. This is the only tangible solution l have, to work on this problem. Yes l afraid the world out of soul,that l won't ever feel this affection towards anybody else. l guess the only way l can know that it exists is loving God more, having a stronger relationship with him and entuning my spirit to feel his love before l can begin to feel love. l know he is there to protect me from my demoralizing thoughts about love and life. Out of this broken world, l can still see his love with the people he brought to my life. How can I feel his direction for my life? Is he going to bring a person to my life that will make me feel alive? A person that l can feel every cell of my body rejoicing and florushing with happiness and joy because they exist? Somebody that l can devote my life to,- (after God of course) and joing together to travel the world, meeting and helping people to make HIS presence known in their lives in a strange lane. Somebody who l can raise children, l can enjoy and cherish no matter where we are and what our sitiuation is as long as we are together. Somebody that will make me laugh, who devoted to God and who loves to serve the Lord with all his gifts. Somebody who never feel tired to learn something new, and challenges to learn continually and teaches me random knowledge about history, science, literature, insects, flower, or astronomy. Maybe that l am not ready to meet that person yet. l have things to learn, a college degree to attain, and knowldge about my interest, literature, movies, and history to discover. If i don't give God my 100%, how can l expect him to give me my dream while he already send Christ to sacfirice his life for my sins. Isn't this an example of true love? Once again, l expect more from God, than l give to him. l promise God, l am willing to love you more, and devote my life to you, and erase everything that will get in the middle of my relationship with you. Because that is when, i will truly be yours, and l will be entune with wisdom to feel that you are mine, that then l believe you will grant me what you want out of my life. l will be grateful to that anwser, and who knows, this result might be so much better than what l have asked to begin with?