Love one another as l have loved you

After struggling with an emotional week, l had an interesting afternoon which lead me to think about the greatest commandment. As l was driving in town, l past the store l used to work. l quickly noticed my old manager watering the flowers. l had heard that she had a breast surgery a week ago. This was her second surgery and they were suspecting that the cancer had jumped to her limph notes. l passed the store thinking all of these things, and my bitterness towards her. She and I had never had a good relationship, from first day we irritated each other, and we got into conflicts that damaged our relationship. They way l was treated did really bothered me. They just stopped calling me and finding excuses to not schedule me for work. One day l found out that they hired somebody else, and didn't have the enough courtesy to tell me. l was hurt. The way l was disposed made me really bitter. Since that day, l had not seen her. l had two choice l could either continue driving home and forget about her, or l can turn back and visit with her. All l wanted was go ignore the fact that l saw her. But something told me to stop and turn back. l listened to that voice, and pulled up in the parking lot. l smiled

Love: Does it exist or is it an illusion?

Lately, l have been thinking about love. My love life is about to diminish, and my boyfriend is selfish enough to see spending time with me as a sacrifice he has to give. Why is it so hard to have a relationship and have a job at the same time? If I can be a full time student, work a part time job, be active in my church, have a social life, and be in a relationship, why does he see this as a burden? Human nature is very selfish. l act selfish in many ways, but l recognize my selfishness and work on it as l try to put other's needs before my own. l ask God's help daily to achieve this. l have my good days and bad days just like everybody has. But the point is l continually try to work on this, and be a better person and never give up. l try not to let my shortcomings and frustration of not getting what l want at all times stop me from growing me to be the person God wants me to be. Couple hours ago, my sister and I went to see New Moon which is the second movie of Twilight Series. After my frustrations with Nate and my decision of ending this relationship, l watched this movie with a different perspective second time around. Twilight is a book series which tells an extraordinary love story between a human and a vampire. Edward (the vampire) crave Bella's (the human) with an immense intensity, but his feelings toward her control his desires, and he falls madly in love with her. On the other hand, Bella's is scared out of her mind, but her extreme attraction for Edward, modifies her reaction, and makes her want him even more. They both can't live without each other. This is the kind of love, that is agonizing, intense, world-changing. The fact that A human can desire another being like that is extraordinary. Do this kind of love really exist? l am afraid to admit l don't believe that it exists in this world. Kristen and Angie think that l am kind of cynical. What got me to this point? Is it Angie's marriage which is falling apart while l thought she and Champ were the example of true love? While everybody thought they were the perfect couple, and leading a happy marriage, how did he have such personality change in last six months, and destroy their marriage and family together with feeling that he had morning which told that he didn't want to be married anymore? How can one human so selfish to dismiss his wife, and makes her leave her home, cancels all of their health insurance, and all of her access to their joint bank accounts, and leaves her without a penny and no education? (He promised her to support her with her education while she worked to get him through college) Does self-giving, true, and unconditional love behave this way? No, absolutley not. All I can say is he never truely loved her. His needs and wants always came first. Even first children's needs come after his own. Then, there is Nate. His idea of being with somebody means that his work comes first and his girl friend. Nobody wants him make a choice. Healthy and strong individuals can do both without hesitation. He doesn't realize the way it makes me feel. His work and his dog are important to him. Why l here that so much? He is so cushioned in his comfortable life that he won't make sacrifices for anybody. He is willing to negotiate though. Since when, love is a business contract? Love gives without expecting anything in return. Love is patient, love is kind. Love is not self seeking. While l was watching the movie, l witnessed a love exactly like that. Their willingness to lose their lives for each other, and trying to make it work without a moment of exhaustion but continual stubborness fascinated me. l told Angie in our way back home, l was wondering l was capable of feeling that way toward another human being that is as intense as what we saw. She said, "Just because you haven't experienced something, doesn't mean you are incapable of it, or you won't." That was comforting. Megan and I had a conversation about this yesterday as well. She said that there is only one person in this world that is completely have the power and ability to love and satisfy me in the way I ache and desire, that is GOD. He is only one that won't fail me nor neglect me in the moment of need. He is always there when l want to talk to him, so willing to listen, support, strengthen, and comfort. She said, first I need to put God first in my life, knowing that he is able to make me feel his unconditional love, then l can be completely free to love another person as a reflection of this love. l am very blessed to have Megan in my life to remind me this truth. First, I need to have a vertical bond with God, as l make horizontional relatinships with people. But my bond with God will always guide and protect me. This is the only tangible solution l have, to work on this problem. Yes l afraid the world out of soul,that l won't ever feel this affection towards anybody else. l guess the only way l can know that it exists is loving God more, having a stronger relationship with him and entuning my spirit to feel his love before l can begin to feel love. l know he is there to protect me from my demoralizing thoughts about love and life. Out of this broken world, l can still see his love with the people he brought to my life. How can I feel his direction for my life? Is he going to bring a person to my life that will make me feel alive? A person that l can feel every cell of my body rejoicing and florushing with happiness and joy because they exist? Somebody that l can devote my life to,- (after God of course) and joing together to travel the world, meeting and helping people to make HIS presence known in their lives in a strange lane. Somebody who l can raise children, l can enjoy and cherish no matter where we are and what our sitiuation is as long as we are together. Somebody that will make me laugh, who devoted to God and who loves to serve the Lord with all his gifts. Somebody who never feel tired to learn something new, and challenges to learn continually and teaches me random knowledge about history, science, literature, insects, flower, or astronomy. Maybe that l am not ready to meet that person yet. l have things to learn, a college degree to attain, and knowldge about my interest, literature, movies, and history to discover. If i don't give God my 100%, how can l expect him to give me my dream while he already send Christ to sacfirice his life for my sins. Isn't this an example of true love? Once again, l expect more from God, than l give to him. l promise God, l am willing to love you more, and devote my life to you, and erase everything that will get in the middle of my relationship with you. Because that is when, i will truly be yours, and l will be entune with wisdom to feel that you are mine, that then l believe you will grant me what you want out of my life. l will be grateful to that anwser, and who knows, this result might be so much better than what l have asked to begin with?

Greatest Lesson: Appreciating simple moments and memories with family-1

It has almost been a year since my last post. This year has been full of changes, hopes, dreams, discouragements, happiness, but mostly feeling of joy and peace. A lot of firsts has happened in my life such as be confirmed to the Episcopal Church, my job as a campus minister at Drury, experiencing the dorm life, singing with Drury Singers, and etc. But what I learned the most from this year was about relationships. I learned a lot about love, marriage, and friendships. l learned what it takes to keep a marriage alive (give and take, and tell what you will stand for and what you won't), and what it means to give sacrifices for the welfare of others. I learned to be less selfish, and devote myself to my family and community with my time and care. I learned that the most basic human desire is to be loved, and to feel important in this world. I learned to make friends without expecting anything in return and accept and enjoy each individual for who they are. One of the deadliest habits that creates problems in our relationships is "criticizing." I learn to pick and choose my battles when it comes to conflict with my loved ones. I learned to find what l have common with then and improve me relationships one step at a time. Yes, it has been a good year full of learning, growing up, and getting closer to finding my own meaning of life. To be comfortable with uncomfortable situations and how to handle them was the greatest lesson dorm life has taught me.

As we finish this year, I started thinking about these lessons and how I am going to use them in years to come as l become the person l want to be. l also discovered that l enjoy working and interacting with people and challenging them to achieve their dreams and motivating them to make a difference more than I like working with models, and theories. I learned how important social skills are, and how far they can get me to where l want to be in the future. I didn't learn all of these without any guidance. I am blessed with many great teachers who are willing to share their wisdom so generously. I have three people that have made a great impression in my life. Fr. Miller, Peggy Williams ( whom I call my second mom), and Angela..... ( whom I call my sister and my third mom with her openness to express my mistakes and imperfections. All for the greater good of course)

Fr. Miller has taught me how to listen God in my daily life and how to ask for his help in times of hardship and transition. His unfailing presence and support have encouraged me to challenge my faith and increased my desire to use my talents and gifts to welfare of others. His extensive knowledge, strong faith, desire to see the best out of every person inspired me to build better relationships and truly enjoy company of others.

Mom Williams..... There isn't a better way to address her. Her love, compassion, and support what kept me going through hardest moments of this year. Not only she gave me a home to live ( I say home, though I lived with many people, but only her and Dad Williams made me feel truly home), she listened to me, told me stories, shared her two precious girls' lives and always found something to laugh. She also sees the best in people, and constantly encouraged me to try new things to discover who l am. Not once she criticized and told me that l was wrong. Instead, she would tell a story and hide the lesson inside for me to figure out. We both come from very different backgrounds, but somehow we are close to each other with our ideas, tastes, beliefs, and how we think the way things should be. Our souls are so close as l am her daughter. Maybe she didn't give birth to me, but she touched my life in so many ways that l will keep her lessons rest of my life and educate my children with her memories. She is a very special individual full of love and care. She always inspires me to be brave. I am brave when I think of her. I put a big smile on my face when l remember her and our memories at the house in Marshfield. I am always excited to hear stories about grandma and grandpa Conkling, aunt Jackie and Bety, and litte Shelly and Angie. She is a unique way of making me part of her life and past as if I was almost there. I love hearing those stories about first time Angie and Shelly talked, what was their first words, how different their personalities, their youth and adolescence in texas, the life in the Benton house, their college years, and big family gatherings in holidays, granddaughers and grandsons, and how they make them feel alive. I can feel all of these by listening to those stories as I try to figure out what is most importhing thing in life. Is it money or the relationship Sand memories that you have with people? Dad Williams always says "We bought memories instead things." I think that is the important thing in life. When we all come to the end of lives, being able to say; "My life is full of memories with people whom l love." Because material luxuries are all temporary, but the love that we share with people what will make us eternal. We will always live in their hearts. And if we encourage only one of them to love another the same way we love them, we have succeed greatly. Being comfortable and to afford travel to learn new things are very important. But we don't have to have a six figure bank account to find contentment in life. Feeling home, feeling loved and sharing that love with others, knowing that our family and friends will be there thoughout all stages of our lives, supporting, loving, and comforting us, or sometimes just being there to listen, and share moment of laughter and always seeing tomorrow as a better day.... These are the most important things my Mom and Dad Williams taught me. These are the things l will cary rest of my life. And for that l am very grateful. I love them dearly, and will do anything in my power to keep my family together. l will never forget their openness to make me part their life, and l won't ever hesitate to invite a stranger to come and share my life. These are what I will teach my children; To respect each individual and show them dignity and hospitality. Even these means getting out of their comfort zones and trying things they have never tried before. This is only way one learns and grows. Just as Mom and Dad Williams taught me.

(To be continued)

Letting my past go

 Lately, I am going through a hard time with my family and friends back in Izmir. Emotional disconnection between us and my guilt seems to make things worse. For the first time, l decided to go out of my shell and ask a friend for help. As I explained her how hurt and frustrated l was with my past and everything l have left in Izmir,  hearing it at loud helped very much. I am very resentful the way my mother have become. Her refusal to accept the fact that  I have left home, and moved on with my life is becoming worse everyday. She has given up everything. Her intellectual life, her relationship with friends, her wants and desires as a woman. She looks like a dried flower once used to be alive. Not only l am more and more concerned of her well being and happiness, she also puts this huge guilt of leaving her in my shoulders. She refuses the accept the reality that l have a new life. I told my friend how unhappy and anxious she was while she thought she could use her only power to control my finances in order to stay close to me. Unfortunately, money is the only subject we can talk about. This hurts me very much, as l continue to grow in my new life and take important steps to be an adult. This is the time l need her the most. As l explained my frustration to my friend, l was very curious to get her point of view as an American. She said that this was their choice to send me over here to support me to follow my dream and desire to be happy. She said l have nothing to be guilty of. l should let this guilt go off my shoulders. l found this suggestion very helpful. This guilt I am carrying is very heavy and prevents me from who l want to be.  She was right that I should let go past, and look forward to future with my greatest hope. Everyone deserves to pursue their own dreams and desires, and more importantly to be happy. This is fundamental principle America was built on. It is also the greatest reason why I love this country, and why l am so proud to be a living example of the American Dream.

 Thank you Angela... Thank you my friends and extended family who helped to become who l am. Thank you for your optimism, hope, and support. Your love and kindness means a lot to me..

What l enjoy the most in America, is the fresh perspective and unfailing trust that one can accomplish anything through the freedoms, choices, and opportunities we have in this land.  

Let me be free

 2009... A new year with new beginnings.. Fresh starts always help me put things in a clear perspective. I unconsciously ask myself  am l making progress toward who I want to be without any judgements and pressures from other people. Can I set myself free without worrying about  their thoughts? Or this illusion only exists in my mind as long as I think there is. There is one thing I know for sure, your worries won't leave you, even if you go as far as you can. There is no need to be scared of being who you are. I was scared of that for a long time. And now l learn it is okay to think and believe what l choose without any judgements or social pressures of my place of birth. Sometimes, l still feel guilty of my new way of life, and how dramatic changes  I made in my life, and my faith. How brave and eager l was to make those changes? How persistent l was to get on that plane and smile myself saying l am going to have a good future in America? A friend of me once said that l was very courageous to take those necessary actions to come and stay in America. When I was talking to another friend today, she said l was very brave to continue to stay against all hardships l face. She said" l would have returned long time ago." I laughed and said l can't imagine a life without challenges, this is what makes life so precious. That after all suffering we reach the sense of triumph, a feeling of true happiness knowing the barriers we overcame, remembering the painful, desperate moments we thought it wasn't gonna end someday. In that moment we feel, we can overcome anything that is thrown to us by taking the responsibility. All these sacrifices lead us to success, but it is impossible to reach success without patience. We should keep going, keep looking, keep doing the right thing without fearing of becoming who we really are. Discouragement? Yes we will have many... But we never know until we try... 

Adjusting to a new culture-Series No:1

  Adjusting to a new culture is a long and complicated process. There are many things that we should look in a particular culture such as traditions, holidays, values, cuisine, relationships, and most importantly the definition of friendship. Till l stepped out of my plane in Chicago, l have never thought about this new culture that l would need to adjust. It seemed like, it would be pretty much the same but even better. In my readings, l learned, it would be a period l would be amazed by every new thing l was going to experience. This period is called "Honeymoon stage." Really, everything was wonderful, new, and exciting. People looked different, nice, positive, happy, laughing and pleased to talk to me. House were big, prosperous, spotless, and accompanied with large amount of land and flower gardens nicely landscaped. This is something we never see in a big city. Everything is very contained and there seems to be no air to breath unless you want to breath to smell of exhaust in the street. They had a holiday called Christmas which was like  nothing you have ever seen if you were raised up in Eastern Europe like me. It is a huge deal. Wholesalers,retailers,and markets start preparing four or five months ago. Families get together. Gifts are exchanged. Moms make a roasted turkey, dressing, gravy, cranberry sauce, and lots of sweets includes pumpkin pie and fudge. Like l said before, everything feels wonderful and unimaginable like you are in another planet( Only one thing is different. That is you put on couple pounds after trying every single dessert) People were very friendly and nice which kind of surprised me in the beginning, because  I heard many stories about the ignorance and selfishness of Americans before l came. It felt really great to be there, and tell everyone back home that they were wrong. l was in this lovely place, everybody was in harmony, and they accepted me for who l am. 

 l was in the honeymoon stage about a year. By the time l was returning back to Turkey, l was speaking very good English, and thinking l am totally adjusted to my host country. When l got back from Turkey, It was time to leave my host family's home for college. l thought those people would be there for me in times of hardship. l had no idea, my experience of American culture was just about the start. Not only l saw the self-individualism, and self- interest of American people, l was also left lonely as l can ever be. My family and friends, and everybody whom l know and cherish were ten thousand miles away. There were days and weeks I was depressed and homesick and had no answers of what l was going to do. l knew one thing though, l wasn't going to give up. l had chosen to be educated in the United States. This was my biggest dream, and l wasn't going to give that up for reason of being homesick. If  I returned, some people would always say: you couldn't do it, we told you before". I said I am going to make it no matter what happens for better or for worse... I admit it. I sometimes feel very homesick, very lonely, and ask myself the same questions over and over. Is it worth? Is it worth for the sacrifices l have to give? Is it worth of being far from my family in the holidays, celebrations,  and special occasions? Is it worth of not being able to say Happy New Year and give them a hug? Is it worth of not being there to witness the important moments of my friends' lives, and cherish and share whatever life brings? l sometimes do not know the answer of these questions, but there is one thing l do know. That is I will not lose my pioneer spirit and  I will continue to pursue my dream and give whatever sacrifice is necessary in order to achieve it and make my friends and family very proud of my courage and perseverance to give a better future and quality of  life to my loved ones.....

Constructive thinking toward our challenges

 There was a saying l have always heard since l was little. Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.... l find a lot of truth in that. Being in college plus studying abroad bring many challenges to my life everyday. l have made myself sick of worrying in past years. l asked my self the same questions over and over. How am l going to do it? What if l can't? What if l need to go back to Turkey and obey my fate? As l worried it destroyed my ability to think rationally, it effected my attitude and motivation negatively toward achieving that goal. It caused a lot of fatigue in my body and daily energy level as well. Then one day, a very good friend of mine gave me a book called " How to stop worrying and start living" by Dale Carnegie. It was written specifically for people like me, who worried and feared the worst. There are many strategies l learned from that book. It literally saved my life and sanity. But there is one thing it helped the most. One you face with a problem, you calm down, and ask couple questions to yourself;What is the problem?What is the cause of this problem? What can l do about it?  After asking these questions, l take two clean sheets of paper, and write my first option. l list the pros and cons of that option. Then l do the same thing for my second option. After weighing pros and cons of both options, l can come to a conclusion immediately. l count their pros and cons.Whichever choice has the most pros, l choose it. There is one thing important here, we should stick with this choice through self-sacrifice and perseverance. l also review the things that l am very uncomfortable in my current situation, and try to find constructive solutions that is gonna help me feel better. In my next post,l am going to talk about the challenges of being homesick and how we can make necessary changes in order to feel at home anywhere in the world.

 Don't ever forget, if life hands you a lemon, you can always make a lemonade.